Sunday, 19 March 2017

Good enough?

I made an error of judgement this year. I chose to do a course in economic history this semester.

It was a strategic and considered choice but it was still wrong for me.

Now I find myself in a difficult situation. I am due to hand in an essay tomorrow and it is not complete nor do I believe it is within my capability to complete.

I have a convincing argument, I also have a fairly solid introduction and conclusion what I do not have is anything more than the bare bones of the body of the text nor any coherent data to back it up.

At this point I would usually mess things up for myself and not hand in the assignment or go to tutorials or lectures however, this is last chance saloon for me and I promised myself I would not mess it up with self defeating, self destructive behaviour. So, what I am going to do is accept that sometimes good enough is good enough.

What's more I am also going to accept that I can't always reach even that point and rather than throwing it all away in a fit of pique I will hand in what I have done, cross my fingers and hope for the best. After all if I hand in nothing I fail automatically, if I at least hand in what I have done I have a chance, however slim, to at least get some marks, maybe even pass?

Friday, 17 March 2017

Build up, break down

I'm working from home today. Well that's the plan anyway... I do have an essay due on Monday after all.
I need to be at home today because I can't be at Uni.
It's been a difficult week and I broke down midway through it. Like shaking and crying and hiding in the corner rocking broke down. Normally if I go away from the situation that caused it I feel better fairly quickly... not this time.  On Thursday I still felt fragile and close to tears. I was mostly mute and hiding behind my hair (which I haven't had to do for a long time, not since I dropped out of school 25 years ago). I was like that until I made the decision to work from home today and cancelled my meeting with the learning support tutor who I see on Friday mornings. I don't really need learning support but I do struggle with executive function issues so she helps me with planning, prioritising and working out how long activities will take to achieve.
The point is, as soon as I made that decision, I felt better, stronger. I need to take breaks. I saw how much that helped at comic con. Now I just need to apply it to everything else.

Monday, 13 March 2017

Comic con

On Saturday I went to my first ever comic convention. In Dunfermline of all places. It was busy, crowded, hot and very, very noisy but so much fun. 

The kids and I spent way too much money but we got some amazing stuff, including a couple of rare graphic novels and comics. We got photos with the tenth Doctor, and got to have our pictures taken in Luke Skywalker's landspeeder. 

I'm really glad we did it this year though. If this had been a year or two ago it might not have gone as well as it did. At least one of us would have had a meltdown (probably me if I'm honest) at least once. Now we were all aware of our needs, triggers and signs. We took loads of breaks and time out whenever we needed, and as a result had a really good day.
I still struggle with my diagnosis from time to time. I lived without it for the best part of 39 years, I learned how to cope with asc without even knowing I had it (not always in the most healthy of ways but hey, at least I appeared to be doing ok). I still feel like a fake a lot of the time, but I felt like a fake a lot of the time even before my diagnosis so nothing new there really I just have a different way of beating myself up about it. The real difference is that now I am a lot better at giving myself permission to be kind to myself and I'm better at recognising stressors and triggers and my own signs. The difference is that I can help my kids develop healthier coping mechanisms and not have to give themselves permission to be kind to themselves, they just will be because they deserve nothing less.