Good enough?

I made an error of judgement this year. I chose to do a course in economic history this semester.

It was a strategic and considered choice but it was still wrong for me.

Now I find myself in a difficult situation. I am due to hand in an essay tomorrow and it is not complete nor do I believe it is within my capability to complete.

I have a convincing argument, I also have a fairly solid introduction and conclusion what I do not have is anything more than the bare bones of the body of the text nor any coherent data to back it up.

At this point I would usually mess things up for myself and not hand in the assignment or go to tutorials or lectures however, this is last chance saloon for me and I promised myself I would not mess it up with self defeating, self destructive behaviour. So, what I am going to do is accept that sometimes good enough is good enough.

What's more I am also going to accept that I can't always reach even that point and rather than throwing it all away in a fit of pique I will hand in what I have done, cross my fingers and hope for the best. After all if I hand in nothing I fail automatically, if I at least hand in what I have done I have a chance, however slim, to at least get some marks, maybe even pass?

Build up, break down

I'm working from home today. Well that's the plan anyway... I do have an essay due on Monday after all.

I need to be at home today because I can't be at Uni.

It's been a difficult week and I broke down midway through it. Like shaking and crying and hiding in the corner rocking broke down. Normally if I go away from the situation that caused it I feel better fairly quickly... not this time.  On Thursday I still felt fragile and close to tears. I was mostly mute and hiding behind my hair (which I haven't had to do for a long time, not since I dropped out of school 25 years ago). I was like that until I made the decision to work from home today and cancelled my meeting with the learning support tutor who I see on Friday mornings. I don't really need learning support but I do struggle with executive function issues so she helps me with planning, prioritising and working out how long activities will take to achieve.

The point is, as soon as I made that decision, I felt better, stronger. I need to take breaks. I saw how much that helped at comic con. Now I just need to apply it to everything else.

Happier than I look, honestly

Comic con

On Saturday I went to my first ever comic convention. In Dunfermline of all places. It was busy, crowded, hot and very, very noisy but so much fun. 

The kids and I spent way too much money but we got some amazing stuff, including a couple of rare graphic novels and comics. We got photos with the tenth Doctor, and got to have our pictures taken in Luke Skywalker's landspeeder. 

I'm really glad we did it this year though. If this had been a year or two ago it might not have gone as well as it did. At least one of us would have had a meltdown (probably me if I'm honest) at least once. Now we were all aware of our needs, triggers and signs. We took loads of breaks and time out whenever we needed, and as a result had a really good day.

I still struggle with my diagnosis from time to time. I lived without it for the best part of 39 years, I learned how to cope with asc without even knowing I had it (not always in the most healthy of ways but hey, at least I appeared to be doing ok). I still feel like a fake a lot of the time, but I felt like a fake a lot of the time even before my diagnosis so nothing new there really I just have a different way of beating myself up about it. The real difference is that now I am a lot better at giving myself permission to be kind to myself and I'm better at recognising stressors and triggers and my own signs. The difference is that I can help my kids develop healthier coping mechanisms and not have to give themselves permission to be kind to themselves, they just will be because they deserve nothing less.

Who put that button there?

It's Monday morning and in less than five hours I have to hand in an assignment for my economic history class. I'm not looking forward to it because it's a half-assed piece of rubbish. It was very nearly halfway decent but I, as usual, had a crisis of confidence at the last minute and rewrote the whole thing from a different angle that I hadn't researched properly. Ugh!

This is a recurring theme in my life. Its like I was handed a big red button at some point in my life and I just can't stop pushing it. It never makes things better and yet somehow it seems like it should. Maybe next time...? Or maybe I should just through the damn thing away, if only it was that easy.

If anyone has plenty of self control and wants a big red button I've got one going spare... please take it off my hands!

[Edit: I got an A on this assignment, just shows what I know! ]

pondering procrastination.

A lot has happened since I last wrote anything here.

1. I returned to education and I'm now in the second year of an undergraduate degree in history and sociology. Which is quite exciting.                                                                                           
2. I along with two of my children have been identified as being on the autistic spectrum. We plan to have the other two assessed at some point and there is a very strong suspicion that my o.h. is also neurodiverse in some way.                                                                                                        
3. My husband was 'medically retired' from work due to mental health issues (while they were having a mental health awareness drive no less!)

There are other things, but these are the biggies.


As a result of these changes there will be a slight adjustment to the focus of the blog. I will still continue to post about books from time to time, I may continue to put up bits and pieces of writing but for the most part the focus will now be on these three journeys. Life as a mature (ish) student, adjusting to life on the spectrum and living as a work free (not work shy) family and how we cope and come through all of that together. 

Three for the Price of One...ish

I have an eensy weensy confession to make.

I am a book addict.

I have heaps of them, literal stacks of books, books in boxes that I still haven't unpacked since we moved into our current house four and a half years ago because we just haven't the room for them. I keep asking my husband to put up shelves but somehow there's always something else that needs to be done first. Still, I live in hope. I have even read most of them {the books that is}.

My addiction is mostly under control but every now and again I have a binge. This week has been one of those times.

I've had Blackbirds for a while now, I got it when it was available free from the publisher, but for one reason or another I hadn't got round to reading it. I finally got round to it this week and, well, WOW! Miriam Black how do I love thee, let me count the ways!

Having devoured Blackbirds in double quick time I then bought both Mockingbird and The Cormorant and devoured them just as fast.

 I know I'm going to have to go back and have a slow thorough read of all of these books, and I'm looking forward to that, but this initial reading of the books was like the first wild swim of the year - a mad exhilarating dash that left my skin pink and tingling and my blood racing.

I love the way Chuck Wendig writes female characters, like he gets right inside their skin and totally inhabits them [except not in a creepy Silence of the Lambs type way, obviously], and Miriam Black is a great example of this. Oh and what a supporting cast. Poor put upon Louis, scummy shit-bag Ashley, Harriet and Frankie to name but a few; truly memorable characters everyone of them.

If you like your stories dark, your characters complex and multifaceted and your plot pacey and full of thrills then you might want to try these books.

Nutritional Grail by C.J. Clark

As a result of various health issues I have developed in the past year I have been trying to change my diet to see if that might improve my health.

I recently found this book. Nutritional Grail - Ancestral Wisdom, Breakthrough Science and the Dawning of a Nutritional Renaissance by Christopher James Clark.

Before I go any further with the review I just want to state for the record that I received a free review copy from Story Cartel.

So, on with the review...

I found this book to be a very interesting, thoroughly researched, and user friendly book. There are extensive foot notes to every chapter detailing the studies, research papers, letters, journals, etc that the information in this book, together with the expertise and experimentation of the author, is taken from.

The author himself began as a business analyst before moving into the field of food and nutrition and the research skills and attention to detail that he gained from his former occupation have made for a very well detailed and researched book.

There are chapters on protein, carbs, fats, etc detailing how they affect us positively and negatively, and how to get the most out of your diet. What this book does not do is tell you what to eat or how to eat it but it does tell you how to get the most out of your food and what you definitely should not be eating.

The book finishes with loads of really delicious sounding recipes that I am looking forward to trying out.